i hope we can give a finger to fate (different version of previous writing)

even with too much distance between us, we are both held in our individual but connected worlds of raw sadness and pain. no matter where we move, we reach each other's emotion owned minds and hold each other inside our shared heart wrenching without intending to have arrived there in the first place. we find ourselves here without wanting to be as we make unintended mistakes and misunderstand each other (yet, our mistakes are only natural). but i know that your intentions are good, and i hope that you see that mine are too. i only wish that you could truly feel my heart's feelings for you, and help me stop this pain until we can't avoid it anymore; when you leave. when fate fulfills me with the blunt edge of a bat and my mistakes. i feel this distance negating, mind owning emotion now as you probably feel it sleeping, and we'll feel it when our horrible absence of control draws us more than 3,000 miles apart while you live your dream without me. that no longer includes me? (this entageling pain traverses any distance with power that makes you understand god.) you leaving me seems almost totally out of my hands now, and it literally makes me want to scream! (we're acted on by the hands of god pulling us together when strong stiches with the gravity of this situation pulling them flesh out of flesh. not a drop too much.) i wont have a single bit of control as you hold me here in this hole of self(, this vate of passion and emotion,) no matter the horrible distances. in fact, your grip may get stronger, farther reaching with distances more distant by the days you're away, apperantely farther by the monotone of the unavoidable present without you, where the mundane consumes any super powers that i might've had to endure this mess. and i sit, with fingers of fists driven into lover's palms, helpless. the tragedy, the pain of concentration of almost t form solidity monopolizes any site of anything outside of horrible pain. (distance and desire are the thieves of control. like in dreams where a punch of self defense can never land. i'm wrapped in bondage wraps to freely feel the world kill my choice to help us in every moment.) hearing you say that you bought your plane ticket and paid for your seminar makes me want to die it hurts so bad! with every word affirming such truths of the way things WILL BE, and with every action that we take and don't take and contemplate taking here now spread us apart farther and farther as we assume the positions that we've ascribed ourselves (inherited). as i fuck up. as you react over sensatively. as we waste time apart (whether necessary or not), we confirm the inevitable result of all of our fruitless efforts to realize something else. it is said (i am told by the mouth of reality) that you'll soon leave me, but we can do somethings differently than they would've otherwise been determined to have played out. i'm opening my heart to you now because i love you, now that i'm ready and understand how to open. can we change our fate? please open up for me and give me one last try, the being that holds you as his soul. please, before it's too late and you're gone. i love you.

when it comes down to it, all we want to do is be with each other, our lover, before fate tears the stitches our of our chest.

you calling me doens't mean that you're conceeding your pride, it just means that we haven't forgotten that we love each other the way we do.