an immature artist is often a dreamer, begging for new beauty, sometimes selfishly

(this is not the title. this is meant to be read first; in the order that these two entries were published--as you see them right now.)

I always get lost on this turn…

Again,

I have to hold this
up up and in

I like things that are not in motion
But make me feel as though I am

…moving……

forward that is.


Like the times you feel life moving
Or the times it’s over and you realized
You missed out
Or the time you spent this whole life
Trying to figure what

it’s

about………

…….how to ….
whatever it is you ….do…….

Trying to be the next ………..thing…………
maybe you’ve fallen behind
Because of the….
Flickering of the paint on those pictures
it’s just enough to turn my

Head led me astray
I have been taken

Away

By the quiver of an age
And how sick
Sick of me
How sick must they be
Of this. Of all this.
I gather

I am better off alone
alone I think that maybe

It’s just a game

Between the creator
And what’s left of the creation
all we do is participate
Vessels
For whatever the creation has in mind
Creation,
Create.
Do I ……….
create….?

Art
how….how art thou
How is one
………arted?

All I do is participate

I cannot remember the person that has moved me

I move myself

I am most beautiful in motion

And I move move
Move things around……
Hearing
Do this.
You will be great at it
amazing because of it
……you hope that one day… you make it….and it’s something…..

“Aesthetically pleasing.”


“WHAT IS THAT?!”

That’s …..pretty …



But
I always/sometimes-today …I

Hated…………. I hated…………….. I hated it


It comes and goes. That feeling.
And sometimes I feel I don’t remember.
Whose side I’m on
When this happens…..

I want to think that maybe one day i may………
But right now this is it.

Make it good…….

It is everything ever from everyone put together…




Do I create …………

…….or do I participate?

(mariano's perspective:)

AIM IM with Kaitlynn Radloff
9:07 PM
hello there
hi hi
how was the day?
alright, i spent a lot of it tired. and woke up recently
the weirdest feeling sometimes is waking up
9:10 PM
oh yeah man
that's very true
especially when you didnt realize you were sleeping
brb
i'm on the phone with mom
okay
9:35 PM
ok
sorry about that friend
no worries at all
how is your mum
good
she's filling out a financial aid application for school
she wants to take summer classes
very cool
classes in what?
9:40 PM
i don't know exactly
she's a teacher
she has to take some summer classes
she finally did what she's wanted to do since a little while after she left teaching for business
ah.h. gotcha.
what has she always wanted to do
teach
she came back to it after long last
what does she teach?
i can't recall for sure
this is her first year
kindergarten or 4th and 5th grade
most excellent
www.riverhomewithone.blogspot.com check it out
inspired by you
9:50 PM


i am glad
your poem rocked me i will say
i liked it a lot
i was confused through parts
yes , would you like to talk about that now?
9:55 PM
sure
i'd love to

what confused you
um
let me look
brb
10:05 PM
I like things that are not in motion
But make me feel as though I am
…moving……
forward that is.
i could assign meaning to that put i'm not sure if that's how you're feeling
well the things i do when i do them, it feels so good when i'm submerged in a painting, or something, and i like that feeling.
so the painting isn't in motion but it makes you feel as though you are

like it's moving you metaphysically?
beyondphysically
yes.
wow!
kaitlynn!
that's amazing!
i've never heard anyone say that about a process for making art like painting before
they must have never reallyreally painted
yeah
i guess not
but it could be just like that for me
could be? but it's not?
and when you say forward that is
you mean
pushes you to keep working working working creating painting?
or not
yes, i n part.
10:15 PM
ok
i'm trying to figure out how to say it
then could you explain more
ok
it's like. a sort of smart ass comment underneath. to everyone who's constantly been spitting thoughts about the future in my face and how that is what i should always be about
10:20 PM
i hope that makes sense
oh yeah
that makes sense
well i'm glad that i had my interpretation too
but your version of this creative involvement is nice to know too
mhmm
brb
ok
sorry about that
i got another phone call
no worries
10:25 PM
I gather

I am better off alone
do you mean for this to be like "I gather. I am better off alone." in addition to "I gather I am better off alone."
?
that seems like a stretch
i didn't know if you meant
i gather as in i gather myself
It’s just a game

Between the creator
And what’s left of the creation
the creation which is the whole creative situation of the creater's interaction with creation (that metaphysical moving) and the creativity of the creating world composed of you and the painting and the air around both and is that what you mean about what's left of the creation
i gather as in i figure i am better off alone, or at least i have been, that's been a struggle of mine, letting people in, and i always go back and forth....and when i was really involved in my art, i would let people in even less. it's not something i've learnt to share with others. when i 'm doing some things i dont want anything to do with people. it's a reason i have trouble with friendships and relationships. i find myself not able to care about both equally
you have the creation part exact. which is fitting seeing as that was inspired by you
i gather that you are better off finding out what you need when you need it
10:35 PM
it was?
wow
that's heart pressing
you know what i mean
i'm speaking like tom robbins rights but yeah
brb
ok
i feel so torn right now because altaf called and he wants me to help him load a couch up that's in front of my house so that he can use it
can we continue this conversation either later or later still
?
10:40 PM
i wanna make a little piece of this
do you mind if i put your writing on my blog?
no
ok
is the title I always get lost on this turn... supposed to be included in the writing or as a title only?
it's just the first line, word saved it like that.
i dont think it has a title
oh
ok
cool

mine usually don't either










(kaitlynn's perspective:)

antimythrhythm (9:09:34 PM): hello there
SoccerCap15 (9:09:41 PM): hi hi
SoccerCap15 (9:09:57 PM): how was the day?
antimythrhythm (9:11:18 PM): alright, i spent a lot of it tired. and woke up recently
antimythrhythm (9:11:31 PM): the weirdest feeling sometimes is waking up
SoccerCap15 (9:12:20 PM): oh yeah man
SoccerCap15 (9:12:23 PM): that's very true
antimythrhythm (9:13:06 PM): especially when you didnt realize you were sleeping
SoccerCap15 (9:13:49 PM): brb
SoccerCap15 (9:13:57 PM): i'm on the phone with mom
antimythrhythm (9:14:13 PM): okay
SoccerCap15 went idle at 9:26:58 PM.
SoccerCap15 returned at 9:32:34 PM.
SoccerCap15 (9:38:29 PM): ok
SoccerCap15 (9:38:32 PM): sorry about that friend
antimythrhythm (9:39:10 PM): no worries at all
antimythrhythm (9:39:15 PM): how is your mum
SoccerCap15 (9:40:46 PM): good
SoccerCap15 (9:41:00 PM): she's filling out a financial aid application for school
SoccerCap15 (9:41:06 PM): she wants to take summer classes
antimythrhythm (9:41:27 PM): very cool
antimythrhythm (9:41:32 PM): classes in what?
SoccerCap15 (9:44:10 PM): i don't know exactly
SoccerCap15 (9:44:12 PM): she's a teacher
SoccerCap15 (9:44:16 PM): she has to take some summer classes
SoccerCap15 (9:44:50 PM): she finally did what she's wanted to do since a little while after she left teaching for business
antimythrhythm (9:44:50 PM): ah.h. gotcha.
antimythrhythm (9:45:17 PM): what has she always wanted to do
SoccerCap15 (9:45:46 PM): teach
SoccerCap15 (9:45:54 PM): she came back to it after long last
antimythrhythm (9:46:22 PM): what does she teach?
SoccerCap15 (9:46:31 PM): i can't recall for sure
SoccerCap15 (9:46:34 PM): this is her first year
SoccerCap15 (9:46:45 PM): kindergarten or 4th and 5th grade
antimythrhythm (9:50:10 PM): most excellent
SoccerCap15 (9:50:32 PM): www.riverhomewithone.blogspot.com check it out
SoccerCap15 (9:50:35 PM): inspired by you
antimythrhythm (9:52:16 PM):
SoccerCap15 (9:52:19 PM):
antimythrhythm (9:52:52 PM): i am glad
SoccerCap15 (9:54:54 PM): your poem rocked me i will say
SoccerCap15 (9:54:58 PM): i liked it a lot
SoccerCap15 (9:55:03 PM): i was confused through parts
antimythrhythm (9:55:43 PM): yes , would you like to talk about that now?
SoccerCap15 (9:58:08 PM): sure
SoccerCap15 (9:58:10 PM): i'd love to
antimythrhythm (9:58:17 PM):
antimythrhythm (9:58:24 PM): what confused you
SoccerCap15 (9:58:40 PM): um
SoccerCap15 (9:58:42 PM): let me look
SoccerCap15 (10:00:31 PM): brb
SoccerCap15 (10:07:04 PM): I like things that are not in motionBut make me feel as though I am
SoccerCap15 (10:07:22 PM): …moving……
SoccerCap15 (10:07:28 PM): forward that is.
SoccerCap15 (10:08:32 PM): i could assign meaning to that put i'm not sure if that's how you're feeling
antimythrhythm (10:09:27 PM): well the things i do when i do them, it feels so good when i'm submerged in a painting, or something, and i like that feeling.
SoccerCap15 (10:10:24 PM): so the painting isn't in motion but it makes you feel as though you are
antimythrhythm (10:10:35 PM):
SoccerCap15 (10:10:37 PM): like it's moving you metaphysically?
SoccerCap15 (10:10:46 PM): beyondphysically
antimythrhythm (10:10:52 PM): yes.
SoccerCap15 (10:10:55 PM): wow!
SoccerCap15 (10:10:59 PM): kaitlynn!
SoccerCap15 (10:11:05 PM): that's amazing!
SoccerCap15 (10:11:48 PM): i've never heard anyone say that about a process for making art like painting before
antimythrhythm (10:12:23 PM): they must have never reallyreally painted
SoccerCap15 (10:12:31 PM): yeah
SoccerCap15 (10:12:33 PM): i guess not
antimythrhythm (10:13:25 PM): but it could be just like that for me
SoccerCap15 (10:13:48 PM): could be? but it's not?
SoccerCap15 (10:14:29 PM): and when you say forward that is
SoccerCap15 (10:14:33 PM): you mean
SoccerCap15 (10:14:45 PM): pushes you to keep working working working creating painting?
SoccerCap15 (10:14:50 PM): or not
antimythrhythm (10:16:17 PM): yes, i n part.
SoccerCap15 (10:16:47 PM): ok
antimythrhythm (10:16:56 PM): i'm trying to figure out how to say it
SoccerCap15 (10:16:57 PM): then could you explain more
SoccerCap15 (10:17:00 PM): ok
antimythrhythm (10:20:09 PM): it's like. a sort of smart ass comment underneath. to everyone who's constantly been spitting thoughts about the future in my face and how that is what i should always be about
antimythrhythm (10:22:09 PM): i hope that makes sense
SoccerCap15 (10:22:12 PM): oh yeah
SoccerCap15 (10:22:18 PM): that makes sense
SoccerCap15 (10:22:25 PM): well i'm glad that i had my interpretation too
SoccerCap15 (10:22:40 PM): but your version of this creative involvement is nice to know too
antimythrhythm (10:23:16 PM): mhmm
SoccerCap15 (10:23:58 PM): brb
SoccerCap15 (10:24:40 PM): ok
SoccerCap15 (10:24:42 PM): sorry about that
SoccerCap15 (10:24:46 PM): i got another phone call
antimythrhythm (10:25:30 PM): no worries
SoccerCap15 (10:27:53 PM): I gather I am better off alone
SoccerCap15 (10:28:54 PM): do you mean for this to be like "I gather. I am better off alone." in addition to "I gather I am better off alone."
SoccerCap15 (10:28:56 PM): ?
SoccerCap15 (10:29:05 PM): that seems like a stretch
SoccerCap15 (10:29:09 PM): i didn't know if you meant
SoccerCap15 (10:29:15 PM): i gather as in i gather myself
SoccerCap15 (10:30:27 PM): It’s just a gameBetween the creator And what’s left of the creation
SoccerCap15 (10:32:39 PM): the creation which is the whole creative situation of the creater's interaction with creation (that metaphysical moving) and the creativity of the creating world composed of you and the painting and the air around both and is that what you mean about what's left of the creation
antimythrhythm (10:32:49 PM): i gather as in i figure i am better off alone, or at least i have been, that's been a struggle of mine, letting people in, and i always go back and forth....and when i was really involved in my art, i would let people in even less. it's not something i've learnt to share with others. when i 'm doing some things i dont want anything to do with people. it's a reason i have trouble with friendships and relationships. i find myself not able to care about both equally
antimythrhythm (10:33:22 PM): you have the creation part exact. which is fitting seeing as that was inspired by you
SoccerCap15 (10:34:32 PM): i gather that you are better off finding out what you need when you need it
SoccerCap15 (10:37:33 PM): it was?
SoccerCap15 (10:37:34 PM): wow
SoccerCap15 (10:37:50 PM): that's heart pressing
SoccerCap15 (10:37:53 PM): you know what i mean
SoccerCap15 (10:38:02 PM): i'm speaking like tom robbins rights but yeah
SoccerCap15 (10:38:08 PM): brb
SoccerCap15 (10:40:46 PM): ok
SoccerCap15 (10:41:08 PM): i feel so torn right now because altaf called and he wants me to help him load a couch up that's in front of my house so that he can use it
SoccerCap15 (10:41:26 PM): can we continue this conversation either later or later still
SoccerCap15 (10:41:28 PM): ?
SoccerCap15 (10:43:19 PM): i wanna make a little piece of this
SoccerCap15 (10:43:28 PM): do you mind if i put your writing on my blog?
antimythrhythm (10:43:40 PM): no
SoccerCap15 (10:43:43 PM): ok
SoccerCap15 (10:44:07 PM): is the title I always get lost on this turn... supposed to be included in the writing or as a title only?
antimythrhythm (10:44:27 PM): it's just the first line, word saved it like that.
antimythrhythm (10:44:33 PM): i dont think it has a title
SoccerCap15 (10:44:34 PM): oh
SoccerCap15 (10:44:39 PM): ok
SoccerCap15 (10:44:39 PM): cool
SoccerCap15 (10:44:40 PM):
SoccerCap15 (10:44:45 PM): mine usually don't either
SoccerCap15 (10:46:53 PM): wait
SoccerCap15 (10:46:58 PM): if you cut and past yours
SoccerCap15 (10:47:09 PM): does it have the screen names in the pasted version?
SoccerCap15 (10:47:11 PM): like
SoccerCap15 (10:47:19 PM): cut and past3e the conversation
SoccerCap15 (10:47:25 PM): ?
antimythrhythm (10:47:37 PM): yeah i think i t will
SoccerCap15 (10:47:40 PM): ok
SoccerCap15 (10:48:26 PM): could you cut and paste the entire conversation, even this, and place it in an e-mail and send it to me
SoccerCap15 (10:48:27 PM): ?
antimythrhythm (10:48:45 PM): sure
SoccerCap15 (10:48:58 PM): mine doesn't have the person who says it
SoccerCap15 (10:48:59 PM): ok
SoccerCap15 (10:49:00 PM): cool

that's a nice soul you have there

can you see it? all you have to do is look; see yourself selfing and showing every ness and every truly that is beyond that.

"read it like you only have three breaths before you die and this is the last thing you can say" - something that a very close person to my heart and hope wrote

a challenge that you're too pathetic to meet. an insignificant need that you don't care a bit about to do anything about while i suffer in this horrib

i was stupid and naive and life, along with you, has taught me enough of a lesson. this is an unabridged diary of life, but you can't know me to read a single bit of it. good luck you stupid, selfish ahhhh.

i was stupid and naive and life, along with you, has taught me enough of a lesson. this is an unabridged diary of life, but you can't know me to read a single bit of it. good luck you stupid, selfish bitch.

sometimes, you gotta turn the sterio down just so you can hear the rain fall and cars drive by. big windows are great. so are laughs

there are some things people should never write. and there are some things people will never know

there may be a time in a theater when i come across two companions, one of which i will not so easily be able to bat away. the question is, will i want to bat him away.

so many of us are broken inside--very broken. for these people, the fragments cut what is left of their hearts. our families, our friends, our romantic others--broken too--break and continue breaking, for once we are broken, entropy may be the only thing to build up in any remnant of what could be considered progress. the works of these and these hurt people are what we less inspired hold in such high regard; that, or the great crafts of craftsman, technicians, attentive only to maybe insignificant details. we are all so hurt, looking at the pain of the hurt with pain struck through our transfigured hearts. but what of the less broken, rather, the more put together. those with intangible and immeasurable strength. they remain silent with stillness of their heart's breath. they breath for the broken chests. this is a beautiful creativity among the worst pain. in all of this, i hope.

revisited version

we find ourselves torn from life, and yet reborn when falling weight of worlds--abysses of still magnetism churned, tear their loins internally, internally exploding--fall together in what can only be the epiphany of god. it's as if there is a world, a dark cave infinitely deep. as and through this world, we fall toward, no matter directions opposing, the course is always home and our gravity is the weight of literally nothing

we find ourselves torn from life, and yet reborn when falling weight of worlds--abysses of still magnetism churned, tear their loins internally, internally exploding--fall together in what can only be the epiphany of god. it's as if there is a world, a dark cave infinitely deep. we fall toward, no matter directions opposing, the course is always home and our gravity is the weight of literally nothing

we find ourselves torn from life, and yet reborn when falling weight of worlds--abysses of still magnetism churned, tear their loins internally, internally exploding--fall together in what can only be the epiphany of god. it's as if there is a world, a dark cave infinitely deep. we fall toward, no matter directions opposing, the course is always home and our gravity is the weight of literally nothing

i'm looking forward to the day that i can hear my child's poetry

"What is history but a fable agreed upon." Yes, indeed, it does seem that Napolean's got something here.

the rain and us

sometimes, running to avoid that which is unpleasureable intensifies the unpleasureability of those moments.

group dynamics and inevitable subjectifiers

sometimes, running to avoid that which is unpleasureable intensifies the unpleasureability of those moments. yet in all of this, some people, many people run away from even a little cold, not realizing that we can warm each other.

the way people react to being rained on seems so telling

life is best when i don't need to write anything shitty on this board. gladly, i am that right now. off to read a great book or two. thank you all for this very nice life.

in terms of add and adhd

this is a debate that should be carried on by those that are affected by it (whatever 'it' is) and those who are sincerely concerned. not those people that believe maybe only in their right to comment on most everything, though, they cannot and do not possibly understand; those also that are somehow jealous or think that "ad(h)d people get off easy."

a contribution

At least, that was what Ellen Cherry was thinking at that moment, less than a week after the wedding, thinking, as she watched the turkey suck the thawing countryside into its windshield and blow it out its rearview mirror, that she'd been tricked. Less than a week after the wedding, that probably was not an excellent indicator of impending decades of marital bliss.

Some marriages are made in heaven, Ellen Cherry thought. Mine was made in Hong Kong. By the same people who made those little rubber pork chops they sell in the pet department at K mart.

- mr. narrator

sometimes i don't like to use

yup, those were some chunks

i got some new tattoos. pi r squared and some blood red barbed wire

i like it when i wake up and cough up big chunks lol... then i sort of study the chunks and think, .

it's the first day after the end of the semester. i should check my grades to see how well i did. hmmm ?

so typical

here's a toast to stifling creativity by somehow saying the same thing over and over again.

multidirectional for shady places in my life

without me, none of this would've happened so feel free to blame

though i censor myself for your sake, can you hear what i feel?

in light of apparent giving. for this i hope to be true

you must earn my trust. if you really care about me, then this action tonight is one step toward earning it back. if you're only doing this right now to see what it reads of you, then you don't really care about me and you do not deserve my trust.

take note of the hour

three different pieces to be read together

will your selfish want of this lie make it come true?

three different pieces to be read together

will your selfish want of this make it come true?

three different pieces to be read together

some people are just inherently selfish.

don't you wish i would say that? you could have an excuse for being you. it's genetic. ask yourself, do you really believe that?

it's like i'm a whore for the opening experience

ode to self pity

you are a horrible person.
now you can choose to continue being horrible or change. with every choice you make, you are choosing to be horrible or change.
this could be the worst piece of art that you ever do--ongoingly so. are you going to continue feeling sorry for yourself, or are you going to do something about yourself?

we see the past as we look in the rear view mirror. that's strange.

a contribution to living rationality and philosophy from reina podell

you can't trust that one moment will guarantee the next

let's stare at it

utter frustration and for good reason

something i found in my notebook

silence is so irratatingly appropriate and not appropriate simultaneously. hollow screams!

words cannot be sufficient but neither can silence, so here i am.

i wanted to smile a Sincere smile for you to show you what was deep in my heart (Sincere happiness, confusion, fragmentedness), but i couldn't. i wasn't able to. it was too hard. it was hard to the point that it was impossible.

life consists of so much on the tip of your tung. i'm not sure what else to say about it though.

do you wonder if i'm being politically correct? (revised)

don't put the bag over your head they said. but i didn't hear them. i couldn't hear them. it was impossible. how can someone hear with a bag over their head, in fact her, my, entire body of sentient self. they screamed it at me and the me that would've heard them might've flicked a fuck you. i fell asleep stillfully.

do you wonder if i'm being politically correct?

don't put the bag over your head they said, but i didn't hear them. i couldn't hear them. it was impossible. how can someone hear with a bag over their head, in fact her entire body of sentient self. they screamed it at me and the me that would've heard them might've flicked a fuck you at them. i fell asleep stillfully.